Freekick: Ass for Nothing

The pain began near the business end of my alimentary canal three days ago. And pretty soon I found a little lump there. What could that be! I gulped in the toilet.

doctor-discussionThank god I have one doctor cousin, one doctor neighbor and many doctor friends to clear my doubts at the initial stage of any problem. But no probing, I decided.  I won’t let them get anywhere near a naked Manu. That part ruled out.

“It’s a small lump,” I said. I wanted them to close their eyes when I say that, imagine the lump, open their eyes and write my prescription.

“This is nothing” “This is serious” Two of them said at the same time. They looked at each other. “Yeah, she could be right,” again they said together. “What the hell! Tell me what could be worse.” “From your description we think it is a case of acute thrombosis. You have to see a surgeon. Actually, without seeing the lump, we can’t say anything.” “Then don’t say anything,” I snapped back.

Acute thrombosis at the derriere! What is that! Surgeon! What for! Hell, this is the worst. I am going to die, I panicked at the thought of surgery. My God, I’ll come right away, but not by some disease at the wrong end of my body, give me a choice, give me a tipper lorry instead! I thought about my poor relatives, relatives who couldn’t get their tongues properly around even easier words – like Khadolkaja, that character in Mahabharatha- than this. They would make a mess out of ‘Thrombosis’ at my death. thThey would stop crying in the middle of my funeral and try doggedly like school children to get the pronunciation right before continuing. I could see my uncle who is highly educated, but doesn’t know a bit of medicine telling people smugly: “Well, my nephew died of thrombosis,” as if thrombosis is Benz or Q7 that his nephew had bought. Then they would probably ask him, “thrombosis at where?” There even the uncle would break down in sobs, as he didn’t want to stand up proudly for my dead ass. What would my students who gather at my home whisper to one another behind my back! Good writer, friendly teacher, but ass. Ass what! Ass disease. Forgive them, little kids they’re, they don’t have time to learn a medical term like thrombosis amidst their exams. The little devils would give a bad name for me in thousands of homes across Kerala.

“NO!!!” I broke into a cold sweat and sat bolt upright on my bed.

My wife consoled me, pushed me gently back to my bed. “Let us go and meet a doctor in KIMS tomorrow, Manu chetta. Don’t worry.” I lay there for almost an hour looking at the whirring fan on the ceiling. “Manu chetta, actually, er…what is the name of your problem? Acute…?” See, even she is rehearsing, in case of an emergency.

My wife took me to KIMS hospital for checkup, yesterday.

One thing, I must warn you, I told my wife, if it is a lady doctor, forget consulting her. We will go back, I’ll suffer this pain. Luckily, we found the man, my surgeon, ‘Vijayan’ whose name itself assured that he is an old hat; he could’ve seen enough derrieres in his life to get too excited in seeing one more.

urlWe took the OP ticket and were picking our way through the crowd to the Surgeon’s lobby. “Manu…!”  I veered around. My God! Prameela! My pre-degree classmate, one of the most beautiful girls in the campus that time. We were meeting after 25 years!

“Surprise! How come you are here?” I asked. “I am a doctor here, in the Pediatrics department. And why are you here?” “What?” I asked, thinking frantically. “Why are you here, Manu?” She repeated.  “Sebaceous cyst! Sebaceous cyst!  I got a sebaceous cyst, right below the neck. Here, here!” I turned and pointed somewhere just below the collar, “Sebaceous cyst, going to meet Dr. Vijayan.”

“Sebaceous cyst! You got that again!” My wife wondered! I rolled my eyes and turned that knob off (I got the one and only  sebaceous cyst removed three months ago).

“Dr. Vijayan is a good doctor, Manu. I am so happy to meet you after so many years. Come, I will introduce you to Vijayan sir,” Prameela said. I turned to run, but Divya held my hand firmly. I managed a smile and replied: “No need, actually he has gone for a meeting. You could be busy. Will call you later,” I said. “Ok, Manu. I will call and ask Vijayan sir about you. Bye…”

“Bye…” I replied. Once again I wanted to go home. I’ll suffer this pain, I told my wife. It took a herculean effort from the part of Divya to douse my fears. Finally I was in the doctor’s chamber.

“So you’re Manu. (Damn! Prameela could have told him about me) What’s wrong?”
“I got a sebaceous cyst below my neck.”url
“Let me see. Well, it is no more there. You have already taken it out, right?
“Yes.”
“Then why have you come to see me?  To waste my time showing me the mark of a healed wound?”

There were a couple of young ladies in the room sitting near the surgeon with steths draped across their shoulders. I leaned forward and whispered to Dr. Vijayan, as if I was revealing that there was a bomb under his seat. “I got a lump at my derriere.” While I said that, I was jabbing my index finger repeatedly at my chest to mislead the lady doctors looking at me intently. “How big?” he whispered back. “Small big,” I answered in whisper. “Well, it could be a case of acute thrombosis at his ass,” he leaned back and bellowed his thought to his assistants. The devil cheated me. I lowered my head in shame.

“Go there,” he pointed towards a cubicle, “remove your dress, and get on to the bed.”

I said goodbye to my wife, went inside, drew in the curtains of the cubicle to keep the prying eyes of those pesky lady doctors away, undressed, got on to the bed and lay there waiting for Dr. Vijayan to arrive.

“Bend your knees.” Damn, it is a woman’s voice in the cubicle! I turned my head, not only voice, the owner herself was there. Soon, I found all the women inside the cubicle except Dr. Vijayan. He was on the phone! I wanted to run again, but no, you can’t get far with Killer jeans at your feet. I lay there with my eyes closed, petrified, imagining greek_statue_at_british_museum_by_estudiosideasoez-d5xukl5myself first as a modern art piece in a museum, then as a baby just born, finally as a dead body my family had contributed generously to the medical college.  I thought how Prameela, my classmates and I used to flag the parts of a frog on the dissection table during pre-degree and waited for the examiner to come and verify. They did exactly the same with the body on the bed and waited for Dr. Vijayan.

After 10 minutes, he came, checked things and declared: “Oh, it is nothing. No thrombosis. I think, you sit a lot at your study, hence the inflammation. This will go in a day.”

The phone rang, I heard the doctor pick up the call: “Hello Prameela! It was not sebaceous cyst as you said…”

All this humiliation for nothing!

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Rating: 9.8/10 (13 votes cast)
Freekick: Ass for Nothing, 9.8 out of 10 based on 13 ratings

About Manu Remakant

Manu has written 290 stories in Rum, Road & Ravings. You can read all posts by here.

20 Responses to Freekick: Ass for Nothing

  1. Manu, I c0uldn’t hold back my laughter. I let it go, and people around me wondered what had happened to me!

    I could imagine it better because Dr Prameela is family friend. Those pesky girls must still be smarting under the ass attack!

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    • Oh, I know you are waiting for the day you will meet her to ask about this. I’m damned!

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  2. What eludes me is why you didn’t take a snap and compare with google images.

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    • You won’t believe me when I say this. I took a few pictures doing some acrobatics and was on the verge of shooting that online.

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  3. manu,
    i could’nt resist LOL imagining your plight! similar situations were narrated by my friends during graduation days, but those stories had subtle facts & re fabricated to poke fun at others. but here, the flawless , authentic life situation is the real comedian .

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    • As a doctor, you might’ve come across such situations. I’m a layman, my derriere is precious to me.

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  4. Manu, laughed my head off…..the only problem is the next time we meet I will probably laugh out loud. Please do excuse me for that……keep on writing so you have many more sebaceous cysts or whatever….:-)

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    • Er…teacher…laugh now, but forget everything before we meet next time. Pleeeaaase…

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  5. He he he! This is the funniest one yet.

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    • :-) Thank you Deepika

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  6. The little monsters spreading a bad name for you in thousands of Kerala homes………
    Acute… what? Your belief based on a reasonable evidence that Divya is rehearsing, in case of an emergency….
    Dr Prameela (thank God you made her a pediatrician!), Dr Vijayan and his juniors a legion.
    My bray of laughter went up and up like that of a donkey’s. The evidence you adduced was so authoritative that Murphy has once again been right on his laws.
    There was a rain out when I went to bed last light. It shines now! My day starts here, even before a tea. Ask me in the evening how was it!

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  7. It sounds authentic, because it is authentic Sureshji. It happened, almost everything. I only added the gilt. Only one person can confirm this story, Dr. Prameela. Curse me, somebody had notified her.

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  8. this made me laugh in each seconds…i mean each sentence, each word carry some fun….excellent writing sir.:-)

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    • Thank you dear Abhija

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  9. I cherished reading your piece of work dripping with humor. I could very well relate with your emotion as I too have undergone some embarrassing moments in the hospital…. Lol !

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    • Sarita, it is great to share experiences to people who can understand what you mean or what exactly you have gone through. Lol. Thanks for the comment.

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  10. Manu, laughed a lot………………..!
    I wanted to run again, but no, you can’t get far with Killer jeans at your feet.

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    • Lol, Anil. It was such a gruesome experience:-)

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  11. Hello
    grt
    prameela

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    • Prameela…lol… Sorry, I couldn’t find a better lie that day.

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